Honestly, there is so much misunderstanding around grief, so many myths and untruths told. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, confused, misunderstood, and isolated in your grief, know that you’re not alone. Many outdated grief theories continue to be perpetuated, making grieving harder. Many friends offer (presumably well-meaning) but actually incredible hurtful, useless and unwanted advice, that it’s hard to know what to think, what to do. 

In this blog I cover the nine things I wish I’d known about death and loss before Abi died. These are the research-informed (but hugely practical) pieces of wisdom that we see transform our students’ approach to grief over and over. This is the stuff everyone should know, so please share this blog widely and join us in our mission to help the world be less death-awkward and illiterate! 

1. We grieve because we are hard-wired for attachment but live in a world of impermanence.

And we don’t just grieve over the loss of a person; research shows we grieve places, possessions, positions, status, projects and the loss of myriad other attachments over the course of a lifetime.

2. Your tears aren’t a sign of weakness, they’re a source of strength.

Sadness and tears serve an important evolutionary purpose – triggering compassion – making them the ultimate bonding agent and helping you get the support you need.

3. There are no Five Stages of Grief which everyone goes through.

Science has debunked that theory. Instead, we now know that grief is as individual as your fingerprint; we all grieve differently and that's okay.

4. Grief has no timeline.

As much as I wish it weren't true, grieving can take months, years or even a lifetime. That's because your grief reflects how much you love and miss them. Just as it took years to get to know them, so it can take years to re-learn to live in a world without them here. Give yourself the time you need.

5. There are two types of people in life, those that have lost someone, and those who have yet to do so.

‍Grief changes you. Losing someone you love changes you fundamentally, very often forever. This can have good aspects too, however. Grief can shift your priorities and world view, teaching important life lessons on what’s important and how to live. 

6. You must find what works for you in grief.

Different people grieve in different ways; don't compare yourself (the way you grieve or your grief) to others. No one can do this for you. Do what works for you.

7. As well as emotionally exhausting, grief reduces your ability to think and focus, and is enormously physically draining too.

Sleep as much/often as you can. It also often brings brain fog, mind-wandering, rumination, and forgetfulness - these lessen over time I promise. 

8. It's okay to take breaks from your grief.

It's healthy and natural to oscillate back and forth between facing your grief (being stranded on the couch crying) and pulling back from it (making yourself get up and attend to everyday life chores). Long term avoidance isn't healthy, but research acknowledges short-term distraction can be an effective strategy for coping. Approach your grief in bite-sized chunks. 

9. Humans are hard-wired to cope with loss. You will get through this!

Yes, grief sucks: it’s not fun, not what you wanted, and not pretty, but it is possible to live and grieve at the same time. Humans have had to cope with bereavement for all eternity: coping with loss is part of your DNA. Have hope; you can and will survive this loss.