The loss of a parent can shake the very foundations of our world. In this blog, we'll delve into the unique challenges of grieving a parent, share a personal story of navigating this journey, and provide insights and questions to reflect upon to help you find solace and strength to face the day.

Join us as we explore the intricate path of grieving the loss of a parent, finding meaning in memories, and learning to live in a world without them here. 

I have lost both my parents so I hear you. I know how hard it is. 

If you’re reading this, chances are you have lost a parent too, and for that I’m deeply sorry. From my experience – both personal and professional – losing those who stand above us can be a life defining moment. Our hearts break, we cannot imagine living life without them. Who’s going to share our triumphs and tribulations now that they’re gone? 

How to deal with the grief of losing a parent

1. Go easy on yourself. This is a big deal, recognise it as such and know that it’s going to take time to adapt to this alien world without them here. Be patient with yourself, and others too.
2. Know that everyone grieves differently, so if your siblings and other family members are handling it differently to you, that’s okay – in fact that’s common. Grief is as individual as your fingerprint; just as your relationship with your parent was unique, so your grief will be different too.
3. Grief is exhausting – not just emotionally as most people recognise, but grieving a parent takes a physical toll too – it hits you in the heart, the head and the soul, it can affect your relationships, give you brain fog and make you feel vulnerable; it can feel like the whole world is carrying on without you, and everything fails to make sense any more. All of this is typical and totally understandable when you lose a parent. Remember, go easy on yourself.
4. Grief doesn’t fit into neat sequential stages, it doesn’t have a timeline either; there will very probably be moments for years to come when you miss their presence intensely – try to recognise these as a measure of your love for them; that the missing signals you love and respect them still.
5. Talk about them – part of grieving is working out how to keep their memory alive and identifying the people who will help you do this, who are willing to say their name, and continue to share memories of them for many years to come.
6. Lean on others – find the friends and family members you CAN share your feelings with, don’t isolate yourself believing you’re a burden, and if your grief is getting more (instead of less) intense over time, and you struggle to function, don’t hesitate to seek professional support.
7. Identify your ‘secondary losses’ – all those roles that your parent fulfilled, such as childcare/babysitting, book/movie recommendations, relationship advice, listening to your work frustrations and career ups and downs, financial advice/security, the memories of your childhood, the person that cheers you on from the side-lines… and many many more. Then make a plan to ‘people the holes’ they’ve left behind (see Britta’s story below).
8. Find ways to keep their memories alive, either by planting a tree or making a photo book, or by creating small personal rituals that continue to connect you – maybe cooking one of their recipes, wearing something of theirs, playing favourite songs or visiting places they loved. We had one client who continued to visit his Dad’s barber monthly for years after he was gone. Whatever it is, make the ritual personal to you, rekindling your connection with them, finding meaning in the memories and knowing you can keep their legacy alive long after they’re gone. 

Britta’s Story

When we first met Britta she was looking for advice on how to deal with the loss of her mother. She described herself as feeling “untethered and lonely”. Life was moving on, quickly, she became a mother herself shortly after, and found this made her longing for her own mother so much stronger. 

We worked with Britta to identify the ‘secondary losses’ associated with the loss of her parent and encouraged her gently to make a plan for “peopling the holes”. While no one could ever replace the special role she had with her mum, looking at grief in this way did allow Britta to start to fill the void.

She says, “there are so many parts about losing a parent that you can’t explain to people who haven’t gone through it, and one of those is the secondary losses. You don’t know all the roles your parent plays in your life until you’re forced to live without them. For me it was realising I no longer had the person who cared so much about every single part of my life, big and small. I couldn’t pick up the phone and know the person I was calling would care deeply about whatever I was saying, have the answers I needed, support me and make me feel better no matter what. I didn’t have my number one cheerleader and confidant. Once I realised how important those key roles were, and how they could never just be filled by one person again, I was able to lean on friends and family members, asking them to step into those roles so I knew who I could call when I needed to. I was also able to recognise and step into some of those roles for my sisters. Although every day without mum is hard, acknowledging all the roles she played for me is a beautiful way to honour her, and to show me how to be a mum myself.”

The parent-child relationship can be one of the strongest emotional bonds of our lives, meaning grieving a parent can be monumentally tough. Typically your first caregiver, and very often a lifelong source of love and support, we form a deep attachment to them, making losing them feel like you’ve lost a primary source of love and security. Perhaps we never really grow up until we lose a parent, or perhaps we never fully appreciate the role they play until they’re gone. Either way know that adjusting to living life without them can take time, cut yourself some slack, recognise that can be physically exhausting, find people you can talk to, and work out ways to keep their memories alive. 

Reflection questions

A parent's love leaves an indelible mark on your heart, what does that mark look like to you? What did they teach you? How has having them in your life changed you? What is the mark they have left on you that can remain part of you forever more?